


(walk away) with me in your heart

by mondeblue



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Exes, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-05 13:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13388493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mondeblue/pseuds/mondeblue
Summary: This is how it starts: “Will you write songs about me?”This is how it ends: “They were all about you.”(or: jae and younghyun are apart for 11 years, but not really.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title is from khalid's keep me because wow i love that entire album so much

_Prologue_

This is how it starts: “Will you write songs about me?”

This is how it ends: “They were all about you.”

\--

No. Maybe that's not right. This is how it really starts:

“Hey, I'm Jae. I can't speak Korean and I heard you're from Canada, so could you maybe help a brother out?”

Younghyun looks up. The boy standing in front of him talks with the ease of a young adult but looks like someone just reaching puberty, all gangly limbs and not-quite-proportional facial features. He's got that Cali drawl that girls sing about on the radio; when Younghyun says “Sure, why not,” he sounds stiff and formal in comparison.

The boy, Jae, breaks into a grin, and it lights up the close room like sunrise breaking over the horizon. “Great. I really appreciate it.”

Younghyun offers a small smile in return, more out of politeness than anything, and puts his earbuds back in.

\--

Later - not much later, although perhaps still too long - Younghyun learns that Jae is older than him.

\--

It's midnight. They've been training for two years, have known each other for nearly as long. When Jae comes back from improv lessons, Brian's working on a song to show the CEO; proof he deserves to debut.

“Why didn't you audition as a singer?” Younghyun says the second Jae sits down next to him; has been meaning to ask for a while. “You have the voice for it. The face for it, too.”

Jae looks up from where he's toying with the balance settings to grin at him. “Did you just call me attractive? I'm flattered, Brian.”

“Don't call me that.” More out of habit than anything with meaning. “I'm taking that back. I'm glad you're doing MCing so I don't have to deal with your shit 24/7.”

Jae pouts, but it crumbles into a smile. “You hurt me, Brian.” Before Younghyun can correct him again, he clicks on a few more options before pressing play. The song - Younghyun’s song - filters out, newer and better.

It feels equally like Jae’s song, at this point. “This is amazing,” Younghyun says, dissolving all the bite and sarcasm sitting on his tongue. “You're amazing.”

Jae looks at him, and there must be something in how he looks back because the older visibly swallows, eyes shifting behind his glasses. “Two compliments in one night? What's gotten into you?”

Low, soft - just like how he sings. Younghyun caves in.

“You know exactly what,” he mutters before he's leaning in and Jae’s leaning in and they meet in the middle, the urgency from all those nights spent together with just the two of them and the _almosts_ and _maybes_ sending Jae’s glasses digging into Younghyun’s skin. There's fingernails against his arm and breath, not his own, against his mouth as he all but climbs into Jae’s lap, the chair squeaking underneath their combined weight. Jae pulls away, sucks in a breath when Younghyun chases him.

“Wait,” Jae breathes, “fuck, fuck, Brian, you're really hot and I really like kissing you but we need to stop before we break this chair.”

Younghyun eases off a little. “Is it just the kissing part that you like?” he mutters under his breath, but of course Jae hears.

“No, of course not,” he's rambling- stumbling over his words, eyes wide. “I like all of you. I've liked all of you for, like, a year now. Trust me, kissing you is a dream come true, but what's not a dream is paying for a broken chair.”

Younghyun pretends to consider this. “Fair,” he concedes, before pulling Jae up and getting them on the couch in record time. About twenty minutes pass before he remembers to break away and say, “By the way, I really like you too.”

Jae snorts. It's very unattractive, but hey, Younghyun’s the one kissing him, isn't he? “I got the hint, Brian, thanks.”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Younghyun says, then makes sure he does by stealing all the words from his mouth.

\--

Jae’s been waiting in his room for an hour when Younghyun finally slams through the door, eyes dark underneath his furrowed brows. “‘I could do better’?” he spits, swinging the door shut behind him so hard the frame rattles. “‘Not yet’? Fucking hell, I'm 20! You’ll debut a 15 year old but you won't debut me? Fucking-”

“Hey,” Jae interrupts, standing up and closing the space between them in two strides. (Thank god for his long ass limbs.) He takes Younghyun’s face in his hands and kisses him, once, twice, enough to smooth out the wrinkles in his forehead and quiet him down. When they finally break apart Younghyun’s hands are on Jae’s waist and his eyes are closed, the tension along his shoulders evaporating as he exhales. “You alright?” Jae murmurs, ducks his head to look him in the eye.

When Younghyun opens his eyes again they're soft, fond in a way that's sort of breathtaking. “What would I do without you?” He smiles. God, he's so beautiful- Jae feels his self esteem dwindle in comparison.

 _I think you've got it the wrong way around,_ he thinks. But Younghyun is always the one who's better at being sentimental, so he laughs, pulls away a little and says, “You can’t survive without me, huh?”

Younghyun laughs too, kisses him again and - well. Let's say, Jae is very good at distracting him from his problems.

\--

A few months pass. Younghyun is sitting at a window seat in the company cafeteria, staring at the traffic rush through the night. His phone is open in his hands - on the screen, Jae’s text: _we need to talk._

Someone sits down across from him. He takes one look at the resigned slump of Jae’s shoulders, the frown etched across his face and _knows._

“You're debuting,” he says quietly. He should feel elated, he knows - tries to be, musters up a small smile. When Jae doesn't look up, he slides his hands across the table to intertwine their fingers. “Congratulations,” he forces out. “I guess you won't be living here anymore.”

Jae pulls away before their hands can touch. Younghyun hears something like his heart breaking. “Then you really won't have to deal with me at all, huh?”

“Don't say that.” Younghyun doesn't mean to snap; guilt settles cold in his gut when Jae recoils, putting even more distance between them. “You know I didn't mean that.”

Jae closes his eyes, sighs in a way that speaks of defeat. “I know. It’s just, I’ve been thinking-”

“Really? That’s new.” Younghyun’s sad attempt at lightening the mood is received with a half-hearted smile. Pitying, almost. His heart, in all its little jagged pieces, sinks to his feet.

There’s a few moments of silence where neither of them say anything, before Jae is gathering himself and looking at Younghyun with clear resolve. “We can't do this anymore, Brian,” he says quietly. The world implodes. “If people find out about us - especially with you - it would ruin our careers. We've worked too hard for that to happen. You know that.”

“But I don't care,” Younghyun blurts out. He wants to reach out and touch - pull Jae close and make him forget about everything, like he’s always done before. But Jae’s eyes are closed off and cold, like he's holding himself back from tears. “I don't _care_ about my career. I care about _you._ I _only_ care about you.”

“Don't say that,” Jae says. “You care. I know you care. Which is why I'm doing this for you.”

“Jae,” Younghyun says, “wait-" _Don’t leave,_ he wants to say. _Don't leave. We can figure this out._ But Jae has already stood up, already has his back to him. Is already walking away, and all Younghyun can do is sit there, frozen, dying.

When his hand is on the doorknob, Jae finally turns back. There are tears in his eyes when he says- “Will you write songs about me?”

“You know the answer to that,” Younghyun bites out. Jae’s face crumples, and it's the last thing Younghyun sees before the door shuts and he's gone.

\--

_Year 1_

    They debut Younghyun as a solo artist - the company’s first in decades. “We think you have what it takes,” they tell him. Younghyun has to swallow back a bitter laugh.

    When they ask him what his stage name will be, he doesn’t hesitate. “Young K,” he says, thinks of the sheets of paper it took to come up with it, notebooks filled with just _Brian Brian Brian_ crossed out again and again. “Based off my Korean name.”

    It gets the okay. Within weeks, he’s watching his own debut music video on YouTube - one million views within a week, and counting. It’s pretty good for a rookie artist, and the company seems to think so, too: he blinks, and he’s thrown into a schedule former idols have sued their companies over. Interview after variety show appearance after performance. Over and over and over, with meagre amounts of sleep crammed hastily in between. “You have to do better,” the CEO tells him. “You have to do better.”

    When sleep comes, that’s all he can hear.

\--   

    Jae is hosting his own variety segment when he hears news of Younghyun’s debut. The song makes it all the way to the eighth spot on the national Top 10 countdown before dropping off the chart. Jae manages to avoid all videos, clips, and mentions of ‘Young K’’s debut for a while, until he gets sick of his co-host Kevin’s pitying stare, locks himself in the studio at midnight, and watches the video.

    The first shot of ‘You Were Beautiful’ is a close-up of someone’s eyes. Jae slams a fist onto the pause button and puts his face in his hands, shaking.

    They’re Younghyun’s eyes. Not the Younghyun he knew, not the Younghyun he kissed and called Brian. There’s no fondness, no admiration, no amiability in the eyes filling his screen, rendered black-and-white with filtering. Just a blank, hollow stare, faking sadness for an unnamed girl. Jae almost closes the window at the thought of Younghyun showing someone else the songs they’d worked on together.

    “No,” he tells himself. “It’s been months. You’re over this. You’re over him.” And if there’s a reason all the blind dates he goes on never seem to work, no matter how attractive or funny or nice the person - well, Younghyun isn’t it. Jae plays the video back out of something that feels a lot like petulance.

    The next few seconds of the video are just the camera panning out, showing a black-and-white cityscape muffled by a lethargic snowfall. Younghyun - _Young K_ \- is standing in the middle of it all, the rest of the citizens caught in a sped-up version of reality. It’s a pretty generic shot, but it’s the song that gets to Jae - the opening chords.

    His hands start shaking again.

    They’re _his_ chords. The chords that he’d helped Younghyun stitch together, back when he was Brian and not Young K, the chords he’d filled and balanced and mixed. They’re different, of course - different instrumentation, different key. But the progression is the same, and the mixing is the same, and Jae almost starts sobbing then and there.

    Then - then. Then, he starts singing.

    Jae isn’t even watching the video at this point - can’t, because his eyes are blurring with tears and he’s hunched over the keyboard like some internet troll, shoulders heaving. It’s the voice he hasn’t heard in _months_ , the voice that used to sing him to sleep and tell him _don’t call me Brian_ and _I only want you._ Younghyun starts singing, and it’s the same but so different and Jae feels himself crumbling all over again.

    “Will you write songs about me?” he’d asked.

    “You know the answer,” Younghyun had said, eyes sad and quiet and angry.

    When the girl appears, surrounded by color, and takes Younghyun’s hand, Jae shuts his laptop and goes home.

\--

_Year 2_

    There are three hosts of the popular new show After School Club, designed for English-speaking fans wanting to communicate with their idols. Their names are Kevin Woo, Jimin Park and - Jae.

    Younghyun doesn’t watch any episodes. There’s a new one on cable every week and the digital copy is released onto YouTube not much later, and although his manager and staff all talk about it he very carefully avoids as much of ASC as he can. It’s not hard - after all, he’s preparing for his second comeback, a repackaged album featuring three new songs. They’re all breakup songs, because that’s really all he can seem to write.

    “You’re going to do a double comeback,” his manager tells him. “We’re releasing music videos for ‘I Would’ and ‘Colors’.”

    _One more time, back to that day. Take my hand, so I won’t disappear._ Younghyun wonders if Jae will hear, if he’ll understand.

\--

    When Jae sees the guest list for the new season, he flips out - understandably so. Kevin finds him on a swing in a deserted playground, dragging his feet against the sand.

“You don’t have to do it, you know,” he says. “Jimin offered to cover for you. Or, I don’t know - we could get him taken off.”

    “There’s no point,” Jae mumbles. “Did you see the view count on ‘I Would’? Can you imagine the ratings he’ll bring us?” It’s true - the video’s reached 15 million within the month, and counting. When it had first come out, he’d read the English subtitles on Kevin’s phone, and spent the next hour in the bathroom breathing hard and hating his reflection.

    _One more time, back to that day._

    He stands up, feels the cold wind against his neck. “Let’s go,” he says. “If I let some old relationship fuck with my ability to host, then I don’t deserve a spot on the show.”

    “Jae, you know that’s not true,” Kevin says. Jae’s not sure what he’s talking about- the show, or the relationship.

\--

Younghyun arrives late.

He was at the other end of the country, doing some shows to promote his upcoming album release, and the crowds at the airport had been larger than expected. Traffic slowed them down even more, and by the time Younghyun finally stumbles through the door, apologies spilling from his mouth and Jae forgotten with the stress of being late, it's already well past the scheduled broadcasting time.

“Hey, it's okay,” the other host - Kevin - says, holding out his hands like he's coaxing a spooked animal. “Don't worry about it, happens all the time. You at least have the decency to feel bad.”

“I'm really sorry,” Younghyun repeats, and Kevin laughs. “I'm ready to go now.”

“Good,” Kevin says, and Younghyun thinks he can see a flicker of nervousness before he turns away and calls, “Hey, Jae! We're ready to go!”

Younghyun’s heart stutters. He draws in a breath, and it scrapes against his throat.

When Jae comes around the corner, Younghyun’s world stops moving entirely.

“Great,” Jae says, and it makes everything collapse because _god_ , that voice is so familiar, reminds Younghyun of _Brian_ and _what would you do without me_ and, most importantly, _we can't do this anymore._ He's not even looking at Younghyun, standing next to Kevin instead, pulling the distance between them wide enough to hurt. “Let's go.”

Kevin is looking back and forth between them, brows furrowed. _He knows_ , is all Younghyun can think. _Jae told him._ He puts a hand on Jae’s shoulder, in comfort almost, and Jae sort of- leans into it. _Oh,_ Younghyun thinks. _Oh._

 _He’s replaced me already_.

He’s fully aware of their age difference - has always been, because Jae insisted on getting dibs to everything solely out of older-person privileges - but it’s that single year’s difference that makes Younghyun feel dumb for writing _two breakup albums_ when Jae is so clearly over it. Has so clearly put Younghyun in the past, as if they never even mattered.

_‘I’m doing this for you’, huh?_

“The cameras are rolling in three,” the director shouts, interrupting Younghyun’s slow unwind. His breath shudders as he snaps back to the very real reality that is Kevin’s hand on Jae’s shoulder and Jae not looking him in the eye, his fingernails digging into his palm until the pain on the outside matches the pain on the inside. “Two, one, action!”

 _Okay,_ Younghyun thinks as he plasters on a smile. _Okay._

_I see how it is._

\--

“What the hell,” Kevin says the second the door closes behind Younghyun, “were you _thinking?”_

“To be fair,” Jae says, “I’m pretty sure I wasn’t thinking at all.”

“Did you _see_ the look he gave me?” Kevin sounds - he sounds disappointed, and angry, and disbelieving. It’s a shocking contrast to the friendliness he’s always shown towards Jae, and it makes him stop in his tracks, sitting down hard on the nearest flat surface - which happens to be the floor of the lounge. Kevin sits next to him despite the abundance of chairs, and Jae thinks _good_ \- he doesn’t need Kevin looking down on him physically as well as figuratively. “He wanted to _kill me._ And you know why, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Jae looks down at his hands, wrung together in his lap. “Yeah.”

“He wanted to kill me,” Kevin continues, voice rising in anger, “because he thought we were _together_ ! You made him think we were together because you’re selfish and petty and _you are still in love with him._ ”

Jae’s neck cracks as he looks up, pulse ramming against his ribs. His first instinct is to deny it - force a smile and joke around and wrestle the subject away from Younghyun. But Kevin’s eyes are soft, understanding despite the anger in them, and all resolve he has crumbles.

“Yeah,” he forces out - it’s hard to admit, after two years of denial. Hard to admit how seeing Younghyun again was like being plunged into an ice-cold bath - jarring and painful. Hard to admit the amount of restraint he’d had to exercise just so he wouldn’t go up to him and _fall_ , physically and emotionally, right back in those arms. “Yeah, I am.”

Hard to see, most of all, why he’d broken up with him in the first place.

“It’s okay,” Kevin says, but one look at him says the opposite. “He’s still in love with you, too.”

\--

_Year 3_

Younghyun writes another song; ‘Congratulations’, he calls it, and hopes with each bitter, resigned lyric that he’ll mean it someday.

“You know fans are gonna start asking, right?” Matthew takes his earbuds out. He’s lounging in one of the studio chairs, long legs outstretched so they hit the wall behind the soundboard. Younghyun, a well-built guy by any standards, watches his biceps flex under his hoodie and feels twig-like in comparison. “Your first three songs- they were generic, they were boring, they were fine. This though- this is something no one's done before. This will get people talking. You know what that means, right?”

Younghyun blinks. “It won't destroy my career,” he says. “It's all in past tense. Not even the best bullshitters could pull a dating scandal out of that.”

Matthew stares at him for a bit, disbelieving. Younghyun feels a sudden bout of self consciousness. “Not your career, you dumbass,” he says, so blustering Younghyun flinches.  “You're never going to outrun Jae now. You have to be ready for that. _Are_ you ready for that?”

Younghyun swallows, doesn’t meet Matthew’s eyes. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m ready.”

When the call comes, though, he isn’t. Not at all.

\--

“I’m not dating Kevin,” Jae says.

There’s a pause on the other end of the line. Jae almost checks to see if Younghyun’s hung up before he says, “who said you were?”

Younghyun’s voice is cold, measured. “‘Congratulations, you’re unbelievable’,” Jae quotes back. “It’s about me, isn’t it? You thought I broke your heart and moved on and forgot you.”

Another long pause. Jae’s heartbeat matches up with the frantic ticking of the clock as he chews on his nail, his lip, the collar of his sweater - anything to pass the time. Finally, there’s rustling on the other end of the line - Younghyun’s voice, muffled like he’s covering the mic with a hand. He hears a door open and shut, then a long sigh before the line crackles back to life. “You’re right,” Younghyun says. Jae’s vision blurs. “You _did_ break my heart. You _did_ forget about me. And yes, Congratulations _was_ about you. I’m sorry I assumed things about Kevin, but it’s hard not to when you couldn’t look me in the eye the entire time.”

“I know,” Jae blurts out. He wants to laugh at the irony - he was always the one claiming older-person privileges, the one to make the hard decisions because, in his eyes, Younghyun was - is - always too much of a romantic to give up on love. But now he’s the one grappling at strings, the one with the shaking voice and shaking hands. Now, Younghyun is calm and controlled, and he’s the one falling apart.

“I know,” Jae repeats. “I know, and I’m sorry too, that was unfair to you, but I- it’s not because I forgot about you,” he forces out, takes no satisfaction in the sharp breath he hears as a result. “I broke up with you, I broke your heart because I didn’t want to ruin your career. You know how they see people like us, Brian - they’ll destroy you if they found out.”

Younghyun’s next inhale is watery and syrup-slow. “I know,” he says, and it’s what Jae wanted to hear but the worst thing that could’ve been said. “I took some time to think, and I… you were right. There was no way we would’ve been- there was no way we could’ve stayed together and become successful at the same time. You did the right thing, and I did the wrong thing by being angry at you for this long, and I’m sorry for it. It’s been, what- three years now? It’s time to move on, isn’t it?”

Jae hears himself say, “right, okay, apology accepted,” but all he can think is: _this isn't a goodbye. Don't make it sound like a goodbye._

\--

_Year 4_

Younghyun writes another full album - his third in four years. By now, he’s the golden goose of the company - his face gets the coveted first poster at the entrance, where they display all the notable artists. Trainees who made the mistake of being self-producing are forced to follow his example, listen to his songs, look at his songwriting notes. ‘Letting Go’, his newest single, gets 80 million views - a record-breaker for the company. He gets invited to dinners with the CEO and award shows and talk shows and the most coveted guest spots in the entertainment industry. He becomes, by any and all standards, a hit.

But he doesn’t see it - or rather, it doesn’t get to him. How can he? Every time he performs Letting Go - which is often, more often than he’d like, because he’s _famous_ now - he’s only reminded of that phone call. Where Jae was weak and shaking and desperate and he’d listened to that voice and heard those words and forced down the tears. Forced himself to be the bigger person, for once, even if it meant lying to the one person he never thought he’d have to lie to.

Because Jae was right after all, wasn’t he? Breaking up was for the best. And when promotions for Letting Go finally, finally end, he tells himself that it’ll be the last song he’ll ever write about Jae, for Jae.

_Will you write songs about me?_

\--

_Year 5_

Younghyun’s next two songs, ‘Dance Dance’ and ‘I’m Serious’, rocket him to the top of the charts.

All of a sudden, he’s inescapable; people are doing covers of his songs and playing his albums in cafes and bars and shops and busses. A store dedicated entirely to his merchandise opens up - the first of many to come. He wins one award, then two, then three, and all of a sudden rival companies are planning around his comebacks. No one wants to debut a new artist around the same time he drops an album; who would? They’d get lost in the resulting craze.

He gets invited back to ASC, after both of his comebacks. He rejects the offers.

Jae tells himself he doesn’t care. He focuses on improving his writing skills, gets offers from other companies that give him an episode or two as a guest host. He’s determined to become a household name, to prove that he gave up Younghyun for _something_ \- after all, Younghyun’s success only proved him right. So he shouldn’t care. Right?

Except the world is forcing him to. Younghyun’s face is plastered everywhere; his voice is everywhere, his songs are everywhere, his _name_ is everywhere. Jae learns to walk with his eyes glued to his phone screen and his earbuds in to avoid any and all indication of Younghyun’s success - not just in achieving legendary levels of fame, but in moving on. After all, Younghyun was the one who’d said goodbye, even if it was Jae who’d ended things in the first place.

But he gets over it. He doesn’t see or hear from Younghyun for another year; his birthday passes, Younghyun’s birthday passes, as does their anniversary, but contact between them stays non-existent. _Good,_ Jae forces himself to think. _Just what I need._

Some of his dates still flop, of course. But some of his dates do the opposite. His name is Sungjin and he is studious and polite and respectful, the poster boy for an ideal son. He holds a steady job as a high school music teacher, and is by all means a _teacher_ ; within the first two dates, Jae has already been scolded five times and given _the look_ more than he can count. But when Sungjin has a guitar in his hands and a mic in front of his mouth, he’s absolutely breathtaking.

Jae falls hard. Maybe a little too hard, but he’s rusty when it comes to love and Sungjin is very, very attractive so who can blame him?

No one. All his friends and all Sungjin’s friends agree that they’re perfect for each other. Sungjin calls Jae ‘Jaehyung’ and cooks all his favorite foods and makes sure he sleeps well _._ Jae can make Sungjin laugh even when he’s in one of his dark moods, knows exactly how to get him to relax when his job has him coiled so tense he’s about to snap. They date for about six months before Sungjin moves in with him and fits into his life effortlessly. Fits into his life perfectly, and he’s happy. Really, really happy.

Really, really happy until: “Who _is_ your ex, anyway?”

Jae looks up. Across the table, Sungjin is marking papers; some of the essays have spilled over and gotten mixed up with Jae’s notes for his next show. Sungjin’s trying to keep it casual, Jae knows; the same way he knows that he’s been meaning to ask for a while. The same way he knows it wouldn’t be fair of him to lie.

He sighs; Sungjin looks up at that, glasses slipping lower on his nose. They’re Jae’s glasses, but they have the same prescription and Sungjin insists on wearing them around, just to see Jae splutter and turn red. Because- well. He _does_ look really good. “You know Young K?”

Sungjin fixes him with _the look_. It’s even worse with Jae’s glasses on. “Jaehyung. I’m being serious here.”

“So am I,” Jae protests, but reaches out to push the glasses higher up Sungjin’s nose anyway. Sungjin’s expression wobbles, like he’s trying not to smile. “There’s a reason he doesn’t like being called Brian, you know.”

He sees the realization dawn in Sungjin’s widening eyes. “Wait,” he says. “Your ex Brian. Your ex Brian that you broke up with so you could pursue your own careers, your ex Brian who’s some mysteriously successful musician-”

“Yeah,” Jae nods. “They’re the same Brian.”

Sungjin puts his head in his hands. “Oh my god,” he says. “And you still want to date _me_?”

“Come on, don’t say it like that,” Jae says, reaches out to intertwine their fingers. “Of course I want to date you. Who wouldn’t want to date the really hot dad friend? Besides, you and Brian are very, very different.”

 _Very, very different,_ he thinks, as he watches Sungjin smile.

\--

The first time it happens, it isn’t entirely Younghyun’s decision.

It’s been two years since he’s last seen Jae and he’s just come off the high of a very well-received performance, the screams of the audience still ringing in his ears. He’s walking off stage, enjoying the two seconds he gets before his manager comes and takes direct control of his life again, when someone grabs handfuls of his collar and shoves him into the nearest bathroom.

“Whoa,” he says, all the breath knocked out of him as the perpetrator turns and locks the door behind them. When he turns back around Younghyun kind of recognizes him - the leader of a decently popular group, known for his sex appeal and- oh. _Oh._

“If you don’t want to do this just tell me,” he tells him, but his eyes are dark and hungry and Younghyun, while looking him up and down, thinks about how he hasn’t seen Jae in two years.

 _No, why are you thinking about Jae?_ The distinctly hornier part of his brain hisses at him. _You’ve been broken up for five years now, and this guy is_ really _hot and clearly into you. What are you waiting for?_

Younghyun laughs. It doesn’t quite sound like himself. “What are you waiting for?” he asks.

Later, he tells his frantic manager that he was busy fixing his hair, and hopes she doesn’t notice the hickeys blossoming on his neck.

\--

_Year 6_

The sixth year after their split Younghyun makes another double-comeback, along with the release of a full album. The album tops international and domestic charts alike; the singles themselves, ‘What Can I Do’ and ‘I Like You’, become the most-viewed K-Pop videos aside from PSY’s Gangnam Style. Young K is on every major entertainment site’s main page, and nominated for nearly every single category in the MAMAs; people talk about his ideal type, his favorite foods, his impeccable sense of style. About how Mnet had to establish new rules just to prevent Young K’s colossal popularity from dominating the entire awards show.

Jae watches the music videos after work one night, head on Sungjin’s shoulder. The captions are turned on, and he focuses on the lyrics instead of whatever Younghyun’s doing on screen. They’re generic enough; What Can I Do is about some girl he likes despite how ‘dangerous’ she is, or whatever, and I Like You is basically just a high school confession. They’re topics people have been covering since the dawn of Korean pop music, only masked behind expert musicianship, artful lyrics and, of course, Younghyun’s face.

The thing is - Jae understands why Younghyun’s so popular. He’s an attractive, charming, genuinely warm-hearted guy with undeniable talent, a spotless discography and a great sense of humor. He’s open-minded and aware enough to appease the international audiences, but filial and respectful for the Korean people. It’s almost like he was made to be an idol.

“Will you write songs about me?” Jae had asked six years ago, looking at Younghyun out of the corner of his eye because the younger boy had been crumbling, shattering from the inside out and Jae couldn’t bear to look him straight-on.

“You know the answer to that,” Younghyun had answered.

Now, looking at Younghyun’s easy smile, Jae knows: none of the songs are about him.

\--

Younghyun gets invited to Jae’s wedding.

He’s got a guest over - he always does. After that fateful post-performance hookup with some faded boyband member he’s been getting calls left and right, opening himself up to a part of the industry he’d never known before. It’s his sixth year without Jae and he’s spent the vast majority of it writing music and fucking every sexually-deprived idol on the charts. His manager knows, of course she does - she’s walked in on him multiple times - but no one can really tell you to do anything when you’re the most famous face in the country, not even the person who controls your life.

So his days go - maintaining the ‘perfect man’ image in the day, then going back to whatever expensive hotel he’s rooming in and sucking bruises into some pretty thing’s neck by nightfall. It works, for a while: with each shirt he unbuttons, each mouth he works open, the memories of Jae he’s been holding on to for six years break away from his conscious and float off into obscurity. The sex is empty and loveless, each night cold and lonely but it _works_.

And then he gets invited to Jae’s wedding.

He’s buttoning his shirt back up when a manicured hand drops a singular cream envelope onto his bed. He looks up, eyebrow raised, and the girl scoffs and rolls her eyes. “It came in your mail,” she says, but the bite to her tone is undercut by the roughness of her voice. She winces a bit, then shoots him a glare. “If I can’t sing tomorrow I’m going to be in so much trouble, you know that? I’m carrying the entire group vocally.”

“That’s not my fault,” Younghyun tells her, slips an arm around her waist to pull her closer. Her long hair is rumpled and fanned out over her shoulders, and he brushes some out of the way to kiss her on the cheek. “I did warn you, didn’t I?”

She glares at him again and pushes away. He lets her go, watches her pick up her heels from where she’d tossed them hours before. She opens the door a crack, then looks back over her shoulder at him. “How long has it been since you last kissed someone properly? Two years?”

“Six,” Younghyun corrects. She makes a frustrated noise in the back of her throat, and leaves.

He waits for the telltale click of the door closing, then takes the envelope from his bed and pries it open with his fingernails. He doesn’t get a lot of mail - he always asks for it, because he’s grateful for his fans and wants to show it any way he can, but with his level of fame there’s a certain amount of risk attached to each parcel. And, according to his manager, ‘we don’t want to blow up the prettiest face in the country.’

The contents of the envelope are a singular card, adorned with red ribbon and impossibly detailed calligraphy. Feeling a bit like his world is ending, he opens the card and reads:

_You are hereby invited to_

_The marriage of Park Jaehyung and Park Sungjin_

And then his world really does end.

\--

Younghyun’s barely recognizable, but Jae sees him out of the corner of his eye and knows it’s him regardless.

Just like how he knows that he is so, so fucked.

He stands up, kisses Sungjin when he looks at him questioningly. “I’ll be right back, okay? I just have to deal with something,” he mutters into his ear, keeping an eye on Younghyun standing against the opposite wall. Watching him, eyes hidden underneath his hoodie.

Jae crosses the room as fast as inconspicuously possible. He doesn’t look Younghyun in the eye when he reaches him, just grabs his arm and pulls him into the washroom. It’s a single-person one, thank god; he locks the door behind him and stands in front of it, barring Younghyun from escaping.

“I know what you’re going to say, so don’t say it,” he says as Younghyun pulls the hood off his head, revealing a shock of orange hair. The younger is still the same height but thinner, muscles ropier and packed tighter together. The way he holds himself is different, too - leaning against the sink, his confidence is unwavering and almost invasive. _That’s what being the nation’s favorite person does to you_ , Jae thinks bitterly. “Why are you here?”

When Younghyun finally meets Jae’s eyes, his gaze is sad, a little desperate - the opposite of what his casual stance and overwhelming aura would suggest. It picks away at Jae’s resolve. “I had to come see you,” he says quietly, barely louder than the buzzing of the shitty overhead lights. “I had to see if it was really true.”

Jae sighs at that. As much as he’d like to believe otherwise, there’s no falsity to those words - Younghyun is genuine, as he’s always been. On TV, his smile may have turned wolfish, his body language cold and practiced; but here, in front of him, he’s honest and- hopeful, almost. Sincere in a way that takes Jae back six years.

But Sungjin is waiting for him outside and there’s a ring on his finger for a reason, so he takes an emotional step back and says, “I’m happy with him, you know.”

Younghyun looks like he’s been slapped. “Congratulations,” he mumbles, but he bows his head and closes in on himself a bit and Jae knows he doesn’t mean it. “What does he- what’s his name?”

“Sungjin,” Jae answers, sees Younghyun mouth the name silently. “You’d like him. He’s got a great voice, too.”

Younghyun’s smile is sad, defeated almost; Jae wonders what’s happened in those years apart to make him so tired, so much older. “So I guess marrying Sungjin won’t ‘endanger your career’, huh?”

The realization comes to Jae then, much later than it should’ve. “Brian,” Jae starts, steps forward when Younghyun steps back. “It’s not like that. When we broke up, I was doing it for you. You’re an _idol_. He’s a high school music teacher. Besides, it- it’s gotten better now, you know. People are learning to be accepting.”

Younghyun sighs, doesn’t say anything. And sure, they might not be together anymore but Jae can’t stand the sight of him slumped over, resigned to his fate. He crosses the room and takes Younghyun’s face in his hands, ignoring the glint of the ring on his finger. “Come on,” he prompts. “Don’t be sad.”

Younghyun stays silent for another moment before a weight seems to leave him and he closes his eyes, smiles. “I can’t believe you still care,” he says.

“I can’t believe fame hasn’t changed you at all,” Jae refutes. “You’re really incredible, Brian.”

Younghyun opens his eyes and laughs. When he meets Jae’s gaze he looks a little more at peace, and Jae lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “I’m just trying my best.”

His phone buzzes, then, and Jae steps back, lets his hands drop to his sides as Younghyun pulls his phone out of his back pocket and opens it up. His eyes darken as he reads over the text, and before Jae knows it he’s pulling the hood back over his face and unlocking the door.

“Wait,” Jae calls, reeling a little from the sudden cold snap. “Brian.” The door closes on his words and he flings it back open with more force than necessary, sending it slamming against the wall just as Younghyun is stepping out of the cafe.

He spent years letting Younghyun go - so he doesn’t understand why it feels like he’s chasing him again, why every part of his conscious is telling him not to let him leave. He just knows that it doesn’t feel right, this reunion; this ending doesn’t feel right.

Younghyun is about to cross the street when he bursts out onto the sidewalk, breathing hard; he sprints faster than he ever has, and grabs the other’s wrist before he can step off the curb. The hood slips down, revealing a strand of orange hair and a piece of Younghyun’s identity. Without thinking, Jae reaches out and pulls it back in place, accidentally yanking a little too hard and sending their foreheads knocking together.

“Why didn’t you think I cared about you? Of _course_ I still care about you,” he tells Younghyun under his breath, rushed and urgent because this close he can tell how scared the younger is. “I’ve always cared about you. I’ll always care about you. Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean you’re suddenly nothing to me, okay? Just because I’m with Sungjin doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.”

Younghyun’s eyes flutter, a shuddered exhale shaking his shoulders. “I haven’t forgotten you, either,” he says, and the danger of exposing his identity has long passed but Jae’s still holding on to the hoodie, Younghyun’s nose knocking his glasses askew. “But I need to go, Jae. I can’t be here. I’m sorry.”

It’s the first time he’s said his name in years. Jae lets go, watches Younghyun leave with a numbness that spreads from his heart all the way to his fingertips.

When reality comes back to him, he realizes he’s standing right in front of the cafe window, right in front of where he was sitting. When he turns around, there are tears in Sungjin’s eyes and a whole new kind of disappointment in the set of his mouth as he slowly, slowly slides the ring off his finger and puts it on the table.

\--

_Year 7_

A while later, Younghyun is notified that the wedding has been cancelled. He doesn’t have time to think about it - his new song, ‘I Smile’, comes with another round of promotions that will leave six digits in his bank and a hollowness in his heart. It means little sleep and even less time for hookups, but strangely, he doesn’t miss it - the never ending flow of forgettable faces to and from his room, the nights spent trying to forget.

_I’ve always cared about you. I’ll always care about you._

He’s not sure he wants to forget anymore.

It’s only when promotions finally end, about two months after the album’s release because that’s how long each comeback is when you’re world-famous Young K, that he thinks of calling Jae again.

He’s sitting in his dorm alone, the company having bought out the entire building for him and his staff. _How are you? What happened with Sungjin? Are you okay?_ He runs through all the greetings possible while dialling the number, switching between sitting up and lying down at least three times.

Jae picks up on the fifth ring, and everything he’s rehearsed goes promptly out the window.

“Let me guess.” Jae’s voice is almost unrecognizable with how rough it is, the cold cut of each syllable spat out rather than said. “You’re here to offer your condolences.”

“I know you better than that,” Younghyun says. “I was just thinking about you, and I-"

“Brian, listen, this-" Jae’s voice is pained, even through the shitty cell service. “This isn't a good time. I can't talk right now.”

“Oh.” Younghyun doesn't understand why it feels like the disappointment is going to crush him; blames it on the lack of hookups he doesn't even miss. “Are- is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, fuck, just-” Jae’s probably rubbing a hand over his eyes, pushing his fringe back. The clarity with which Younghyun can imagine him, all pale skin and quick, easy movements, is startling. “Okay, fine. Do you want the truth?”

“Of course, I-”

“I don't want to talk to you,” Jae says. Younghyun’s breath stops in his throat; his heart stills in his chest. “You're the last person I want to talk to right now. So, please - don't call me again.”

“Jae, what-" but the line is already dead. And then: silence.

Younghyun shatters.

\--

Jae crumbles.

The display on his phone swims before him. There’s nothing to hear, nothing to see except the ticking of the clock, the rush of distant traffic and Jae, slumped over on the floor, cradling his phone in his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispers, rubbing teardrops out of the screen. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

He’s sleeping in his studio for the second week in a row because he can’t stand the way his apartment looks without Sungjin’s things in it; how empty, how bare and cold and how painful a reminder it serves. A reminder of how he’d fucked up the one good thing he had.

A reminder of this: “I can’t believe you, Jaehyung.”

(Jae watches, dumbfounded, as Sungjin circles his - their - apartment, gathering as many things as could fit in his arms. Sees the tears threatening to spill from Sungjin’s eyes, catches a glimpse of his ring finger - ring-free, because Jae’s holding the ring in his right hand, digging into his palm with how tightly his fist is clenched. “I can’t believe I let it go for _years_ \- I saw the hints too, all the signs, all the red flags, I can’t believe-”

“Believe _what?_ ” Jae interrupts, even though it’s clear Sungjin’s addressing himself. “Sungjin, what’s wrong?”

Sungjin straightens, movements stilling for the first time since they’d left that cafe. His sigh seems to be carrying the weight of the world behind it. “Don’t say my name,” he says. Quiet. Quieter than he’s ever been. “Don’t say my name like you’re in love with me.”

The numbness in his body thaws, melts like liquid fire down his veins. “What are you talking about? Of course I’m in love with-”

“I saw you with him.” Sungjin’s tone isn’t accusing, or angry, or even hurt; just defeated, tired, sad in a way that speaks of failure after years of trying. “Your ex. You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”

“Who, Brian?” the laugh he barks out scrapes against his throat, echoes humorless and dry through the cold, cold room. “Of course not. I told you, Sungjin, I’m over-”

“I told you to stop saying my name!” Jae can see the tears in his eyes trembling. Can see, in his shaking frame and shaking voice, his crumbling resolve. “It’s over, Jae. I’m cancelling the wedding. I’m breaking up with you. I can’t spend my life with someone who’s in love with someone else.”

Sungjin crosses the room and stands eye-to-eye with Jae. A month ago, a week ago, any other day he would’ve pulled Jae in by the hips like he knows he likes and kissed him, pressed him into the couch and spent an hour there before either of them cared to get dressed again. But now neither of them are making moves to close the distance between them; neither of them are making moves to salvage their relationship.

“Don’t,” Jae pleads. Sungjin’s face crumples.

“Goodbye, Jaehyung,” he mumbles, before stepping past Jae to the door.)

That was months ago. Now, Jae’s single and reeling from hearing Younghyun’s voice again, seeing that caller ID on the screen.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats for the seventh time, and tells himself he isn’t saying it to Younghyun.

\--

_Year 8_

“You’re fucked if you release this,” Taehyung tells him in Korean.

Next to him, perched over the back of his chair and casting a shadow over the entire soundboard, Matthew pumps a fist in the air and then points at Younghyun. “I _told you_ ,” he insists in English, then in Korean when Taehyung glares up at him. “Thanks, bro.”

“Can I go now?” Taehyung sighs in relief when Younghyun nods at him, and is out the door in seconds. ( _What kind of dynamic…?_ Younghyun thinks incredulously.)

“Anyways,” Matthew continues the second the door has closed, plopping himself down in the seat Taehyung had just left and spinning around to face Younghyun. “Just because the company hasn't shunted any of your ideas yet doesn't mean it _won't_ , if you get headass enough. This song - don’t get me wrong, it’s quality, but you’re not gonna be able to perform this. People are gonna question why _Young K_ of all people is singing about not having anyone. Trust me,” he shakes his head, “if you value your career, you’d best keep this as a B-side track.”

Younghyun puts his face in his hands. “The reason,” he starts, “I told the company I wanted to be self-producing when I auditioned is because I get to decide how much of myself people get to hear. This is all I can be right now. This is all I can produce. And this _should_ be the title track, you _know_ it should.”

Matthew sighs. Younghyun can’t see anything, vision covered by his palms, but guesses by the squeaking of the chair that he’s sliding further down in his seat, looking up at the ceiling contemplatively.

“That phone call really fucked you up, huh?” Matthew’s voice is soft when he speaks again, cuts through the silence slowly. Younghyun turns his head and peeks at him through his fingertips. He looks tired, slouched over in the chair. “You ever try to figure out why?”

“Of course I have,” Younghyun says. Thinks back to all those nights staring at the ceiling, Jae’s voice replaying in his head - “ _I don’t want to talk to you_ ” - phone in hand, thumb hovering over the call button. “I wasn’t even- I didn’t even know how much I missed him until he’d already hung up.”

A pause. “And you haven’t fucked anyone since you saw him, right?”

Younghyun coughs. “ _Jesus_ , Matthew, _no_ ,” he chokes out.

It’s the truth - the point of those hookups had been to forget, but after seeing Jae again, after hearing what he didn't know he wanted to hear - _I’ll always care about you_ \- Younghyun doesn't want to forget. He knows now that it’s impossible to forget.

So, when Jae had told him never to call again, he hadn't dialled up every booty call on his contacts list. Instead, he’d locked himself in the studio all night and come up with a new song: ‘I Need Somebody’. It’s a blatant ‘fuck you’ to media, to his company, to Jae too - and it’s exactly what he needed to write.

Here’s why: when he’d gotten that wedding invite, when he’d escaped from a company dinner to track Jae down through streets rampant with the risk of being identified, the only that had been controlling him was a burning cold filling his entire body to the brim.

Here’s why: when Jae had seen him, when that flicker of recognition had danced through his eyes, he’d felt something akin to a jolt running through his system. When Jae had grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into the washroom, something like hope had left his pulse stuttering out of pace.

Here’s why: when Jae had told him, in that dirty cafe washroom, that he was happy with Sungjin, he could see the doubt in Jae’s eyes.

Matthew eyes him; apparently, he sees something Younghyun doesn't, because he grins widely and socks him in the shoulder. “Knock them out with this song, Brian.”

Younghyun rolls his eyes. “And by ‘them’ you mean ‘Jae’, right?”

Here’s why: when Jae had told him never to call again, he knew he’d be doing the exact opposite.

\--

It builds up like a midsummer storm.

Jae blames the show’s success, the inhumane schedule, that small population of over-expectant fans; but mostly, he blames himself.

Sungjin isn’t there to keep him functional, so by the time the busiest season of the year - the most comebacks, the most debuts, the most idols to interview - rolls around, he’s barely eating one meal a day and getting four hours of sleep. He hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks, familiarizing himself instead with the dark cloying atmosphere of his own studio, the pale glow of his laptop opened up to all his new script ideas and stacks of paper dripping red ink with cues and revisements.

And so he pushes himself harder - pushes himself to be funnier, more likeable, more popular. He is his work and his work is him, and if that means destroying any semblance of humanity he has he’d gladly do it. Is gladly doing it now.

It builds up like a broken dam - leaking, slowly.

Here’s how: Sungjin isn’t there to keep him functional, took a piece of his ability to be happy with him when he left so now Jae is this empty shell of a person, laughing and smiling and talking only in the light of the ASC studio, only when the cameras are rolling. When the lights come off he finds he barely has the energy to be anything but empty. The only time his mind isn’t fixated on work and keeping that swirl of madness building up in his head at bay is when he’s reminded of Younghyun, by his name in his contacts list, a bassist in some unknown band, the ghost of a smile he sees in the streets sometimes.

It builds up like a long-dreamt-of fantasy - white-hot and overflowing.

When it finally spills over, all this emptiness and aching tension coiled tight within his chest, he’s listening to Younghyun’s new song.

It’s the one released after ‘I Need Somebody’ caused a whole controversy; people calling Younghyun’s company to ask if he’s okay, people calling Younghyun ‘ungrateful’ and ‘insensitive’ for talking about his problems when he’s rich and successful. It’s called ‘When You Love Someone’, and the words go like this:

_I hope I can be your resting place;_

_Hope I can make you feel at peace;_

_I hope I can help a little at least_

_If you think of me during your busiest days._

When Jae hears them, he folds in on himself.

It spills over - like a midsummer storm, like a broken dam, like a long-dreamt-of fantasy. He can’t breathe; starts shaking with the effort of trying to stay afloat, keep his head above the surface because he’s not sure what he’ll do to himself if he went under. The shadows are too dark but the light is too blinding and he’s drowning a little, tears blurring his vision and dripping onto his glasses as he hunches over, grips the edge of the desk so hard it cuts into his palm.

Then: _I hope I can make you feel at peace._

And: _this is a song for you; I’m singing for you._

He’s not sure what happens after that; not sure when he picked up his phone or unlocked it or opened up the contacts app. All he hears is _this is a song for you_ ; all he thinks is:

_Please, please let that be true._

Younghyun picks up on the second ring, almost like he’s been waiting for it. When his sleep-strained “Hello?” crackles across the connection, Jae feels like he’s been tossed a lifejacket.

“Brian,” he rambles, “Brian, please- please let some of that have been about me- please tell me it’s-”

“Jae,” there’s alarm seeping rapidly into Younghyun’s voice, “Jae, are you okay? Jae, what’s wrong?”

“ _This is a song for you,_ is it true? Can you- please help me,” his teeth are chattering but it’s hot, too hot in the studio, in all this closed space. “I don’t know what happened, I- one second I was fine, and now I- I-”

“Shit, Jae, I-” he thinks he hears _I can’t_ in those words, but then Younghyun seems to come to a decision when he says, “okay. Where are you?”

Jae rattles off the address of the studio; the last thing he hears before Younghyun hangs up is the click of a door closing. He closes his eyes, leans back. It takes 10 minutes for his breathing to steady, for his thoughts to become coherent again; the thought of Younghyun, already on his way even though it's the dead of night, helps. The knock at the door comes shortly after. Jae scrambles to his feet, trips on the way to the door and barely catches himself on the doorknob.

When he opens the door and sees Younghyun, it's like being able to breathe again.

“You really need better security,” Younghyun says. His silver hair gleams in the dark; the lines of his face are more defined after eight years under the spotlight. Jae thinks he can see creases around his eyes, thinks it may be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

Jae blames it on his mental instability.

“As if anyone's gonna try to rob my broke ass,” Jae jokes, albeit weakly, stepping aside to let Younghyun in. It's easy to see his wealth through his clothing - just a big sweater and ripped jeans, but it all has the distinct look of overpriced designer items. Jae looks down at his 4 year old sweatpants and faded $5 shirt and feels inferior in comparison.

“As if anyone knows you live here in the first place; it’s so dark here,” Younghyun says. He turns on the overhead light - Jae flinches at the harsh glow that floods the room - and sits down on the couch, pats the spot next to him. “Remember what I used to do when you got stressed? Back in our trainee days?”

Something in Jae that's been coiled tight and painful unravels at those words, an indication that Younghyun holds their memories as fondly as he does. Younghyun, strangely enough, doesn’t look out of place in the studio; in fact, he almost fits perfectly. Jae ambles over and sits down next to him, leans against him with his head on his shoulder. Younghyun’s arm comes around his shoulders to pull him closer; Jae holds onto his waist and he's warm, so warm, and solid underneath Jae’s trembling hands.

Jae allows himself to relax for the first time in years.

“Didn't you just have a comeback?” he asks. “Why aren't you off promoting?”

“No promotions this time around,” Younghyun explains. His voice sends vibrations rumbling through his chest, filling up all the gaps in Jae’s heart. “They’re trying to build anticipation so my next comeback will be even more well-received. Break a few records, maybe.”

“What, the records _you_ set?” Jae jokes. Then, “how are you dealing? It can't be easy as the nation's most beloved person.”

“I think I should be asking you that, considering how you sounded like you were in tears when you called me,” Younghyun says, but there's no bite behind the quip. His thumb is tracing little circles against Jae’s arm, just like in their trainee days. Jae curls in closer to him.

Just like their trainee days - not much has changed since then, really. Jae wonders why.

“Listen,” Jae starts. “When I told you to leave and never come back, you know I was, like, not right in the head, right? I mean, Sungjin just broke up with me and  it fucked me up a little so when you called I just kind of- freaked.” Younghyun sighs, sounds like he’s going to say something, but if Jae doesn’t say anything now he’s never going to again so he sits up a little and continues. “I was just- do you know why Sungjin broke up with me?”

He looks up. Younghyun looks scared when their eyes meet, hesitant, but he’s solid and warm and Jae feels happier than he's ever been - fearless, maybe. “Why?” his voice is barely a whisper.

 _You make me fearless._ “He said I was in love with you.”

\--

“He said I was in love with you.”

Just like that, just with those words - Younghyun falls apart.

He’s spent years trying to forget Jae - all of his career, really. He’s tried - and almost succeeded - in convincing himself that he doesn’t need Jae, he doesn’t want Jae, he doesn’t think about him with each lyric he writes or string he strums or button-down he works open. He’s tried to surgically pry every bit of Jae away from his conscious, and every time it didn’t work he would blame it on his career, on the little reminders of Jae scattered everywhere, on the hookups doing wrong but really, it was his fault.

It’s his fault he could never let go, because really, he’d never wanted to let go.

“Can I kiss you?” he hears himself say before he can catch himself. Jae looks up, pulls away a little. There’s something in Jae’s eyes but he doesn’t want to see it, doesn’t want to bear that disappointment if he’d read the atmosphere wrong and fucked everything up at the most vulnerable moment.

He’s about to apologize, but finds he can’t because- oh.

That is Jae’s mouth on his.

All semblance of reason and self-awareness sort of just melt from his mind. He grips Jae’s shoulders and pushes him back so they’re lying down, the rough texture of the couch digging into his knuckles as he moves his hands down to Jae’s waist, grips the fabric of his worn shirt.

“Brian, ow, fuck- this position really isn’t good for my neck, you know,” Jae says when he pulls away for air. Younghyun looks down at him, at his glazed eyes and pink cheeks and red, red lips and thinks that the whole ‘making out in full light is awkward’ thing is bullshit. “Sometimes I think you forget how tall I actually am.”

“Sometimes I forget how much of an ass you can be when I’m trying to make out with you,” Younghyun breathes in response, but stands up anyways. “Sit up.”

Jae complies easily enough, moving so he’s sitting properly. Younghyun climbs into Jae’s lap, kisses the startled gasp out of Jae’s mouth. It’s all familiar, this - muscle memory, almost. Younghyun remembers all the things that Jae likes, all his sensitive spots, and grins down at Jae to let him know. With the way Jae gulps, it’s easy to tell that the message got across.

He straddles Jae’s thighs and slowly, slowly brings his hands up to slowly, slowly take Jae’s glasses off his face, brushing his bangs out of his eyes in the process. “Jesus, Brian,” he breathes. Younghyun suddenly can’t remember how he ever enjoyed putting his hands on someone other than Jae. Jae, who's sitting underneath him, flushed and impatient. “Jesus, Brian, just- fucking-”

“Shh,” he says. Jae’s pupils are blown wide when he leans in to close the space between them, works Jae’s mouth open so he can slide his tongue in. He pulls away the barest fraction of an inch to murmur, “less talking more kissing,” against Jae’s lips, and punctuates the command by biting gently into the older’s bottom lip. He gets a desperate buck of the hips as a reward for his efforts.

Then- he sucks in a breath against Jae’s mouth, because Jae’s hands have started running up and down his body, tracing a line from his knees up the curve of his ass and all the way to his shoulder blades. His touch leaves a white-hot trail in its wake; when his hands slip underneath the hem of his shirt Younghyun can’t help but pull away to bury his face in Jae’s shoulder, muffle a groan in the warm skin there.

“Oh my god, Jae,” he gasps, the teasing facade gone. “Fuck, I just-”

Jae hums under his breath. “You’re not the only one who remembers,” he says right against Younghyun’s ear. “I still know everything you like. Including-” kissing the spot right next to Younghyun’s jaw, as he brings one hand around to grab Younghyun’s ass, the other one running down his abs to stop just shy of the front of his pants.

Younghyun whimpers a little. “Y-yeah,” he stutters out. He feels Jae’s smug grin against his neck, knows it’s because the tables have turned - Younghyun may be the one on top, but Jae is the one in control now.

“You like this, don’t you?” Younghyun has to muffle another groan into Jae’s shoulder when his hands start massaging at his inner thighs, the feeling of it going directly to his growing boner. “You’re so weak for me, Brian.”

“I am, I- fuck-” it’s been so long, so long since anyone has touched Younghyun like this, not just sexually but in the way he _likes_ “-fuck, just- just touch me, Jae. Stop teasing and just-”

“Just what?” Of _course_ he does this, Younghyun thinks through the haze in his mind. Of course he wants to hear me beg for it.

But Jae’s hands are close, so close to giving him the friction he needs so he distances himself from any concept of dignity and opens his mouth to plead. Gets ready for it, even though he’s been waiting for this for so long without even knowing and-

“Hey!”

The shout startles the both of them so hard Younghyun falls backward off the couch, lands hard on his back. Jae stares at him, dazed and rumpled and hazy, and Younghyun knows he must look the same. _How do I explain this_? he thinks desperately, braces himself for whoever it is to barge through the door.

But no one does. Minutes pass in silence before a realization seems to dawn on Jae and he crumples in relief, sitting back down hard. Younghyun climbs to his feet as he says, “oh my god. I forgot to tell you- the windows here are super sketchy, so anything that comes from the street is going to sound like it’s just outside the door. We aren’t- there wasn’t any danger.”

“Oh,” Younghyun says. “Oh, okay.”

They could easily start where they’d left off - Younghyun is still a little turned on, and knows Jae probably is too - but neither of them move. Like it or not, the moment has passed, leaving a cold and startling realization in its wake.

Jae is the first to voice it. “Oh my god,” he breathes, voice rough. “We were about to fuck, weren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Younghyun confirms as he sits down next to him. He scrubs a hand across his face and leans to the side a little, until his head meets Jae’s arm. The touch sends jolts through Younghyun, but it’s not enough to bring the moment back. “Yeah, we just- I really need to stop trying to fuck my way out of emotional crises,” he says.

Jae sits up straight. Younghyun falls over, lands sideways into his lap and doesn’t make any move to get back up. “Wait,” he says. “Wait, what the fuck?”

Younghyun winces. “I, uh… hooked up a lot in the three years you were dating Sungjin,” he admits. “Trying to forget you and everything.”

Jae eyes him. He doesn't look offended or upset; in fact, there's a glint of amusement in his eyes that sets off alarms in Younghyun’s head. “Did it work?”

“Of course not,” Younghyun says. “After what just happened?”

Jae nods. “That's what I thought.” He leans forward until their faces are incredibly close; Younghyun remembers that his head is still in Jae’s lap. “If it makes you feel better, I felt the same way.” His grin is simultaneously shit eating and wolfish. Younghyun shivers.

“Can we not discuss the fact that we were about to fuck so casually? Because this is some pretty intense shit,” he says. Jae hums in a way that tells him he wasn’t really listening at all, that tells him he’s thinking of something else, of something momentous. Something that speaks of fear and uncertainty.

He takes a deep breath. Younghyun braces himself for impact.

“Stay with me?”

“What?” It’s a little anticlimactic, Younghyun thinks; but when he pushes himself off Jae’s lap and looks into the older’s eyes, he finds an intensity there that tears the ability to breathe from his lungs. “I’m already here.”

Jae closes his eyes. “Not like that, you dumbass,” he says, struggling to keep his voice light. “I meant don’t leave again. Don’t- let’s not do this thing where we avoid each other for years at a time and hurt each other every time we meet. This isn’t some over-exaggerated fanfiction.”

Younghyun blinks at him. “But that’s exactly what this is,” he says.

“What?”

“What?”

“Anyways,” Jae continues. “My point is. Maybe we should try for this friendly-exes thing.”

“Even though you’re the one who broke up with me in the first place?”

“Hey, that’s- I did the right thing and you know it!”

“Still broke my heart. Remember that time you made me think you were dating Kevin-”

“-oh my god, I can’t believe you’re bringing this up-”

“-and then you called me to tell me you _weren’t_ dating Kevin and almost cried-”

“-these are _very low blows,_ Brian Kang. Let me remind you that your first few albums were _all about me_ -”

“-okay, insulting my early career is _unfair_ , let me see _you_ debut as an idol and _not_ be cringey for like the first three years-”

“-and you fucking came to visit me when you heard that I was getting married. Who does that? What kind of ex- no, wait, what kind of _internationally famous ex_ does that?”

There is something filling Younghyun’s chest, something light and glowing and happy like sunshine. “I’ve missed you,” he tells Jae.

Jae opens his mouth to argue, before Younghyun’s words really sink in and he visibly relaxes, leans back against the couch. “I’ve missed you, too,” he says. “Man, we really wasted a lot of years getting over each other, didn’t we?”

‘Getting over each other’. As if he’s already succeeded in doing so. Younghyun’s mind latches onto those words, fills up his lungs with the sound of them. He blinks, and he is standing at the edge of a precipice.

 _Oh,_ he thinks. _But- I never wanted to let you go._

“I think,” he says slowly, afraid to break this hesitant thing that has formed between them, “I’m still trying to get over you.”

“Oh,” Jae says. Younghyun agrees. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” The air is suddenly too warm; the room is too close. Younghyun is acutely aware of how many hours have passed. He also wonders how he’ll ever be able to salvage the trainwreck he’s set into motion just from telling the truth.

But then:

“That’s okay,” Jae says. “I think I feel the same way.”

Younghyun blinks, and he is no longer falling.

He is flying.

“I also think,” Jae says, “you should kiss me again.”

“Oh.” This is all Younghyun seems to be able to say. He can picture Matthew in the front of his mind, shaking his head in disappointment. “Okay.”

“And,” Jae adds, “we should actually fuck this time.”

“Okay,” Younghyun repeats, this time with feeling.

“Okay.”

Younghyun blinks, and there is suddenly no distance between them. Blinks, and suddenly Jae is all he can see- which is fine, really, because Jae is also the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He feels kind of foolish, trying to forget this for so long.

“Okay,” he says against Jae, electricity running through his veins.

This time, there is nothing to stop them.

\--

Younghyun, despite appearing to have lost weight, is actually heavier than Jae remembers him to be. They’re lying on the couch, wearing only the underwear Jae had forced them to put back on because “let’s not get chlamydia from this couch and _die_ ”. Younghyun is curled up against his side but also kind of on top of him, one well-muscled arm stretched over his chest, one even more well-muscled leg draped over his thighs. They’re sweaty and sticky and it’s gross, but Younghyun has always been the type to fall asleep after sex and Jae blames himself for not remembering this particular detail.

“Get up,” he grunts, pushing at Younghyun’s arm and shoulders to no avail. “Oh my God, Brian, we are so _nasty_ right now, we have to take a shower or I am going to walk around the entire day smelling like I just fucked someone. Which isn’t entirely wrong, but still. Gross.”

“That’s okay,” Younghyun mumbles, lips moving against Jae’s neck. “I don’t mind.”

“Yes but _I do_ , and I’m older, so you have to listen to me. Come on.” Jae finally succeeds in freeing himself from Younghyun’s arm, only to realize with growing despair that _his legs are twice as strong._ “Brian. Please. You are literally the most famous person in this country, you cannot be smelling and looking like _sex_. I am saving your career. Come shower with me.”

Younghyun lets out a low grunt, which means Jae’s won. Triumphant, he pushes the younger off of him and directly onto the floor, where he hits the hardwood with an alarmingly loud thump and a groan of pain. “I _hate_ you,” Younghyun insists, climbing sluggishly to his feet, wincing and rubbing a spot on his back that had taken a particularly hard hit. Jae looks at the broad strokes of his shoulders, the curve of his waist, the fullness of his thighs and feels like the luckiest person alive. “When did you become so annoying after sex?”

Jae laughs. “If you think this is a new development, then you _clearly_ don’t remember our trainee days.”

Younghyun is pausing to consider this when Jae takes his hand, calloused fingers against his own virtually unblemished ones. The washroom is just down the hallway and the lights are all off, but they make a mad dash for it anyways because it’s hard to explain two nearly naked thirty-year-old men holding hands at midnight. Which reminds him:

“Hey,” Jae says as casually as he can manage, when they’ve both made it safely into the bathroom and locked the door behind them. “You know we're both reaching the middle of our lives, right?”

“I know,” Younghyun answers easily, turning on the light. Jae thinks that it should be illegal for some to be as attractive as he is. “You’re practically an old man, Jae.”

“Shut up and get in the shower.”

As Younghyun complies, ditching his underwear and climbing into the bathtub, Jae thinks that despite being apart for a decade, they still grew up together, really. Still thought about each other even at their most estranged; still held on, in tandem, even across the distance between them. He looks at Younghyun and thinks he understands why.

“What are you looking at?” Younghyun’s eyes are soft when Jae comes back to reality, like he knows. Like he feels the same way.

“You have spinach between your teeth,” Jae blurts out.

Younghyun raises an eyebrow. “I haven’t had spinach in months.”

“Lies.”

Younghyun only rolls his eyes. “Get in here already, you big idiot.”

“You're so _rude.”_ Jae complies anyway. Younghyun turns on the tap as he pulls the curtain in front of both of them, and there's a few seconds of yelling “holy fucking shit that's so cold, Brian Kang I hate you" before the water temperature adjusts.

Younghyun laughs, grabs Jae by the waist and pulls him closer. “You're so _weak_ , Jae. It isn't even that cold.” He is breathtaking like this- smile wide, skin dewy, rare and precious and beautiful. Jae forgets how to function for a moment.

“Brian, you grew up in Canada. I am a Cali native. There's a very big gap in cold resistance here.” Jae huffs, pretends to be angry up until Younghyun rolls his eyes and kisses him.

The water is hot when they pull away, pouring over them. Younghyun’s hair is already drenched, dripping into his eyes when he says, “that was 15 years ago. You're not a Cali native, you’re just _weak_.”

“The _disrespect,_ ” Jae says, horrified, but when Younghyun laughs and kisses him again he thinks he might be the happiest he's ever been.

\--

Younghyun leaves Jae's studio in the early morning, just as the birds are beginning to chirp. He's given Jae his sweater upon the older’s insistence, and thinks he might die when Jae emerges from around the corner with the cloth nearly drowning him. “You're not allowed to look that good in my clothes,” he protests, but Jae only grins and winks at him.

“Thank you for coming when I called,” he says, leaning against the doorway. Eyes soft, mouth content, hair gleaming pale gold in the sunlight- Younghyun can't look away. “And sorry you had to sacrifice your sleep for it.”

Younghyun shrugs. “That's okay. I got something much better in return.”

Jae flushes, mouth going slack for a second before he regains his composure and smiles wider. “Ah, of course. Good dick is always better than good sleep, isn't it?”

This time Younghyun is the one who's turning red. “You are so _embarrassing,_ ” he hisses. “I can't believe you.”

Jae laughs. “Love you too, Brian. Now go before you get in trouble.”

Younghyun obeys- but not before kissing him one last time, both a goodbye and a toast to this new, good thing that has formed between them in one night. _Love you more, Jae._

When he goes back, there are already five new songs taking shape in his head.

‘Pouring’ is the first song of his that's both at the top of the charts and critically acclaimed. Fans praise his vocals, his lyrics, his ability to stay young- and good-looking despite rounding out the third decade of his life. Critics praise his creative use of instrumentation, his chord progressions, the rhythm. Young K is doing better than anyone ever thought he would, at the peak of his career and still climbing impossibly higher. Young K is rich, successful. Young K is happy.

Younghyun, however- Younghyun is currently sitting on his hands, getting his ears yelled off.

“I can't believe you!” Matthew is pacing the floor so aggressively Younghyun feels the floor shake. “You're unbelievably famous, at the peak of your career- and you want to resign because you fucked Jae once? Bro, are you insane?”

“No, I'm not.” Younghyun has thought this over too many times to be making a mistake. “I don't want to be this- this symbol anymore, Matthew. I don't want to spend any more time living for my country instead of myself.”

Matthew sighs. He's the same age as Younghyun but looks simultaneously older and younger, bright-eyed but tired. “Two more comebacks,” he says.

Younghyun blinks. “What?”

“Two more comebacks. You're reaching the end of your contract anyways, aren't you?” Matthew finally sits down, putting his head in his hands. “Release one more song and then tell the company you're leaving. Bargain for a final song, like a goodbye really, and then take your millions of dollars and disappear from the industry.” When he finally looks back up his eyes are sad, but understanding. “You've had a good run, Brian.”

Younghyun smiles at him. “Thanks for everything, Matthew.”

He rolls his eyes. “Stop getting emotional. It's weird. Now come on.” He grins. “Let's make Young K a name no one will forget.”

\--

_Year 9_

Young K’s newest single, ‘I Wait’, is as unforgettable as all his other songs, but to Jae it's a sign. _Your turn,_ he can picture Younghyun saying.

_My turn._

Despite being with ASC since its conception, it only takes a few drinks before Kevin starts talking about leaving- handing the reins to a young, fresh-faced rookie and starting a new studio. A studio where they won't have to deal with arrogant idols treating them like garbage and executives making them rewrite every good joke, where they'll finally have creative freedom and good paychecks.

“We could do it,” Kevin insists for the fifth time that night. He, Jae and their producer Bernard are sitting in ASC’s lounge, enjoying a few beers long after everyone else has left. “We're all household names, we'd get listeners. Plus we won't be running out of content for a while, what with all the ideas the execs make us throw out.”

Any other night, Jae would be telling Kevin to go home and lie down, agreeing with Bernard that they aren't dumb enough to try and start an independent company in this corporate-controlled mess of an entertainment industry. But Younghyun’s new song is fresh in his mind and the feeling of Younghyun underneath his hands is still lingering on his skin, so he turns to Bernard and says, “Kevin's right, you know.”

Bernard throws his hands in the air, exasperated. “Jae! You're supposed to have my back-"

“See!” Kevin is pointing at Bernard- or at least trying to, missing by a few inches. “Jae agrees with me! We could call it KJB Entertainment-”

“-wait, no,” Jae says, “that makes us sound like Russian assassins-"

“Oh my _god_ ,” Bernard says. “I can't believe we are legitimately discussing this. Guys. You're both drunk as fuck. It's time to go home.”

Jae grabs his arm. The alcohol in his system is turning his skin flush and hot; when he blinks, all he sees behind his eyelids is Younghyun, hair matted to his forehead, whispering: _I'll wait for you forever._ “We really could, you know,” he says.

Bernard sighs. He'd been there when Jae had heard ‘I Wait’ for the first time, had understood what Younghyun was trying to say. “All this because you fucked him once?”

Kevin grins. “That's a yes, isn't it?”

\--

“I'm leaving,” Younghyun says, sliding the contract across the table. Unsigned.

His CEO, the woman who's controlled his entire decade-long career, closes her eyes and sighs. She looks like she's been expecting it. “You know what happens to idols who leave their company, right?”

“Not the company. I meant the industry as a whole. Other people-” he thinks of Matthew, swallows hard. “-other artists deserve fame without having to think of my next move. I'm tired of taking people's chances of making it big.”

She flips through the contract, as if making sure he's telling the truth. When she reaches the last page, blank like the others, something leaves her and she slumps over, looking like she's lost ten years off her life. Younghyun would feel bad if she hadn't done the same to him. “One more comeback,” she says. “One more, to say goodbye. And then I'll let you leave.”

Younghyun smiles. “I knew you'd say that.”

\--

Jae buys a studio just outside the entertainment district and opens up his own company. It's just him, Kevin, Bernard, and dusty boxes filled with everything they'd been allowed to take from their old studio - outdated mics and thick notebooks, mostly. It’s a pretty shitty place in a pretty shitty location, and radio MCing is a lot different from a live show, but their first broadcast gets close to 500,000 listeners over 2 hours and that’s a number practically unheard of in their field, in this industry.

They go out for drinks afterwards, crowded around a tiny circular table with beer spilling out of their mugs and ideas, jokes, hope overflowing between them. “To a new beginning,” Kevin shouts, raising his mug high in the air. Jae laughs, and thinks about Younghyun leaving his studio, wide eyes brimming with anticipation.

“To a new beginning,” he repeats.

\--

_Year 10_

    Younghyun has not seen Jae in a year, but this time it’s different.

    This time, Jae is working at an independent company that he co-owns with Kevin and Bernard, MCing a decently popular show given the circumstances with which they’d started it. This time, Jae is the most recently-used contact in his phone more often than not, because they make good on their promise to stop avoiding each other like angsty, emotionally constipated teenagers and text on the regular. This time, Younghyun finds himself genuinely happy, finding that the fame is actually much more enjoyable when he isn’t seeing hints of Jae in every screaming audience.

    This time, Younghyun writes a song for his fans.

    Word of his contract termination and subsequent departure from the entertainment industry travels like a forest fire, each major and minor news website featuring some paraphrased version of ‘Megastar Young K stepping out of K-pop for good????’ on their front pages. At first, the news gets the expected reception: shock, outrage, sadness. None of affects him.

    Then, it happens: a fan bumps into him on the street, and instead of bursting into tears or trying to cram her phone in his face with the flash going off wildly, she offers him a wobbly smile and congratulates him.

    “I hope you can live a good life, away from the spotlight,” she says, clutching Younghyun’s hand out of sincerity rather than some convoluted idol-worship complex. “Thank you for giving us so many years of happiness.”

    That night, Younghyun goes home with the fan’s damp eyes in mind and writes a whole album dedicated to his fandom.

    The songs are diverse in genre and lyrical style, something that has become easy after ten full albums. There are some pretty generic, crowd-pleasing songs in the mix- good final comeback songs, a sort of apology to his CEO for causing her so much trouble by leaving.

    But what she chooses, when presented with the album, is a ballad.

    It’s a pretty ballsy move - he’s never done a full ballad before, out of fear that whatever slow song he releases will be called ‘boring’ in comparison to the rest of his music. It’s not even completely produced by him: the song was so far out of his comfort zone that somewhere in the middle of production, he’d called in Wonpil, an old friend of his, to co-write it. ‘I’ll Try’ is what it’s called, and the only part of it that’ll be interesting to those who aren’t music experts is the four-part harmony at the end. But ‘I’ll Try’ is the one the CEO had chosen, and strangely enough, Younghyun kind of agrees with the decision.

_No matter how you change, I’ll still give you everything._

\--

“You're here to yell at me, aren't you?” Younghyun’s tone is amused. “I've already gotten yelled at, Jae. I'm not rethinking my choices.”

“But this is such a _weird time_ to leave,” Jae says, putting the call on speaker so he can pull up Young K’s final comeback- his most-viewed music video to date, pushing 400 million views. “You're only going up, Brian, I don't understand why you'd stop so suddenly-”

“I did it for you.”

Everything- time, his breath, his heart- everything stops.

“And for me, too,” Younghyun adds. “I've spent a third of my life in the spotlight and I don't want to do that anymore. I've achieved all I could possibly hope to achieve, I've helped people in the ways I wanted to help them and the only thing I'm missing now is you.”

“Brian,” Jae is in love, Jae is so in love, Jae has been in love with Brian for ten years. “What are you-"

“I'll see you soon, Jae.” It's supposed to sound like a goodbye- Younghyun hangs up right after- but Jae thinks it sounds more like a greeting. More like Younghyun is saying:

_Let's start again._

The year passes by in a heartbeat.

\--

_Year 11_

It's the eleventh year since Jae's debut- the eleventh year since he left Younghyun in that cafeteria, since they both gave up one dream for another. Eleven years since the start, and end of their story.

It's been eleven years. Younghyun finds himself there, in front of the building where they both trained, waiting for something. Waiting for someone.

“I knew I'd find you here.”

_There you are._

In the afternoon light, holding a coffee in his hand, there is so much that's different about Jae. The blonde has finally been allowed to fade from his hair, and something resembling salt-and-pepper is beginning to take its place. There are creases spanning the plane of his face- around his eyes, around his mouth. He's switched the gold pimp glasses for contacts, the kpop idol wardrobe for a t-shirt and jeans.

But there are things that are the same about him, too- the important things, Younghyun thinks. His eyes still have that mischievous twinkle, like he's writing his next joke or tweet right that moment; he's still got that walk, that loose way of moving like he doesn't give a single shit what people might think. That smile like he’s always got music playing in his head, brilliant and unheard-of.

Younghyun falls all over again.

“Eleven years really passed by quickly, huh?” he greets. Seeing Jae again is overwhelming in a way that’s almost painful, but it surprisingly isn’t hard to talk to him. It isn’t hard to feel comfortable with Jae, because when you’ve grown up together there isn’t much left to be awkward about, is there? “We’re both in our mid-thirties now, Jae. How do you feel?”

“I should be asking you that,” Jae says, coming to stop a foot away from him. Younghyun’s hands itch at his sides - itch to touch, itch to pull closer. Jae’s skin is flawless despite his age, despite the variety of skincare products probably shoved onto his face prematurely. “How’ve you been? Since you left the industry.”

“Good.” It’s the truth. Younghyun gestures for them to enter the building, holds the door open for Jae and gets a soft smile in return. “Paparazzi was awful for a couple of months, but then I moved back to Canada for a bit and when I came back they’d pretty much forgotten about me. Apparently it’s pretty easy to replace acts in this industry- what’s the new group? Day-something?”

“Day6,” Jae says. They reach the main entrance, except it’s not really the main entrance at all. It’s not- it’s not _anything_ at all, really. “Oh,” Jae says. “Right. Didn’t the company go bankrupt after you left?”

“Yeah,” Younghyun breathes, looking at the place he’d met Jae in, the place where he’d put his life into the hands of complete strangers for a decade. All the marbled granite and spiraling columns are gone, what’s left of the furniture dusty and desecrated; it looks exactly like what a place left in the past should look like, old and forgotten. Memories try to rise to the surface at the sight, and there are plenty of them, but the lack of familiarity creates a sense of permeating sadness rather than nostalgia. “Do you think-”

“The cafeteria?” Jae’s voice has gone soft, softer than he’s ever heard it. Younghyun takes his hand before he can rethink his actions, and feels something akin to being lit on fire from the inside out. “I was thinking about that too.”

The hallway leading to the cafeteria is still there; they walk down in silence, the past weighing heavy between them. Jae’s hands are rougher, bonier from years of wear; but Younghyun almost feels 22 again, young and unknown and fearless, completely and utterly in love. When the cafeteria door comes into view, the bright green faded into a dark forest color, something within the ticking mechanisms of time stops.

Younghyun catches Jae glancing at him, worried, and smiles. “You open it.”

Jae nods, and wordlessly pushes the door open.

And it feels like- like-

\--

Jae thinks he might cry.

Next to him: Younghyun, rounder in the places where Jae had gotten narrower, so beautiful it hurts to look at him. In front of him: the moment that had started and ended everything, stretched out before them in the empty cafeteria. The beginning of those twelve years spent apart and yet-

Together, all the same.

Younghyun lets go of his hand and makes his way over to the table near the window overlooking the street, where the light washes his features in pale gold. It’s the table they always used to sit at - and the table where Jae had broken Younghyun’s heart for the first time. “I bought a house in America,” he blurts out, with a nervousness unbefitting of a thirty six year-old singing legend. “I- it’s by the beach, in Cali, near your hometown. If you want you can- we can-”

“-I left my studio,” Jae says as an answer. “I left my studio but I still get a third of the profits because I’m co-founder, so we’ll still have a steady income as long as the company stays afloat-”

“-we can adopt a kid, maybe two,” Younghyun adds, beginning to glow a bit. Light is spilling through the windows behind Youngh- behind the most stunning person he’s ever seen and light is spilling through Jae’s fingertips, through the gaps between his ribs, through his heart and soul and mind. “And a dog. And a cat. Maybe a turtle, if the kid wants one.”

“We can teach them guitar, and drums, and piano,” Jae says. “We can form a little family band- like the Jackson 5. We’ll go on trips around the state and be dysfunctional, be weird, be dumb and hurtful and sad sometimes but we’ll be happy through it all, and we’ll love each other through it all, and it’ll be perfect.”

“It’ll be perfect,” Younghyun repeats softly. Jae crosses the room in five strides and closes the distance between them, takes his face into his hands and kisses him once, twice. The wrinkles don’t disappear like when they were trainees, but that’s fine - because the wrinkles are part of Younghyun, and Younghyun is perfect.

He thinks it’s funny- funny how their story starts and ends in the same place, and how this new story will start in the same place as well. It’s funny, because it’s at that moment when he thinks to ask:

“Will you write songs about me?” Just like before.

Younghyun pulls away just enough, so Jae can see his blinding smile.

This is how it starts: Jae, twelve years ago, shattering slowly. “Will you write songs about me?”

This is how it ends: Younghyun, twelve years later but still in the exact same place, healing. “They were all about you.”


	2. i'll try (english cover)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> like 2 ppl asked for this n that's 2 more than i expected so here ya go  
> happy... valentine's day i guess????? or whatever holiday is closest

Though I am stumbling far from who I’m supposed to be

There still was, someone, lighting my way

Now, I would like to do the same

 

Just like how I was loved

Just for who I was

In spite of all my flaws

I will try to do the same 

I’ll love you anyway

 

No matter how you change, I’ll still give you everything

 

I’ll be there when you’re tired 

Just, close your eyes and take my hand

I’ll be there when it’s too hard to smile

I’ll try my best to understand 

 

Just like how I was loved

Just for who I was

In spite of all my flaws

I will try to do the same 

I’ll love you anyway

 

No matter how you change, I’ll still give you everything

 

Just like how I was loved

Just for who I was

In spite of all my flaws

I will try to do the same 

I’ll love you anyway

 

No matter how you change, I’ll still give you everything

**Author's Note:**

> i actually wrote english versions of i'll try and colors specifically for this fic; i might post them sometime if you guys wanna see!


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